Sherlock Randomness

John was typing on his laptop, and I- well, I was being the usual pacing-obsessing-crazy self that tends to pop up sometimes.  Lack of a case, of course, and nothing to do (without showing my face) in general, and the fact that even three patches didn't help at this point.  John, choosing to ignore my actions of course, muttered something half to himself.
"…girl…"
"What?"
He looked up at me.  "Oh, nothing, just- on the blog."  I nodded, let out a faint "mmm" of understanding and continued my pacing.  
Nothing.
Nothing.
Why?
I looked around for something, anything to analyze.  Deduce.  Figure out.
On the couch.
Threw the pillow.
Upside down.
Made tea.
Drank the tea.
Started an experiment.
Threw it out the window.
Literally.
Nothing. Nothing.

Checked the Blog.
Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing.

Only 45 minutes later.  Ugh.  "John- I need a case.  I need a cigarette.  I need a-" I looked over- he's gone.  I wonder how long ago he left.  
Its 3:24
45 minutes ago, he was on the blog.
I check the computer, last activity,
2:47
He's been gone that long?
And now…I feel foolish.  Thank God no-one is here to see it.  I walk over to the mantle, and pry out a knife I put there…I don't know when I put it there.  
Oh.  The day I met John.
Of course.  That marks something important, so I stick it back in, and try to think of something else to think about.  Besides John, I mean,
What if…
I needed to be distracted.  
I couldn't think about what was going to be happening.
John. Married.
Of course, I put him through that sort of abandonment when I died- metaphorically, I mean- but still.  I come back to him, and that's how he thanks me?  Marriage?  Unbelievable.
I didn't have to come back.  I didn't have to live.  I could be dead- DEAD- and what does he do?  He moves from the flat, donates all my science to a school- and, decides to get married?  I don't think about it, about the witch he's marrying.  Mary.  Ugh.
Well.
I go onto his email- then his blog.  Nothing really.  His last entry was a lot of whining about "still believing" and "he was my best friend."  I'm touched.   Really.
Wait- wait.  He said- he was on the blog, but there's no new entry…?  I ponder this thought for a while, then decide to ask about it later.  As if I already know the answer.
Of course, I do.